10 ways to get rid of bogus callers

WE’VE all had them – a landline call from a withheld number or one with so many digits your phone can’t even display it. The bogus caller will call you by name and tell you that they’re working for a legitmate, well-known company. They will then proceed to tell you how your laptop has 250 million viruses and how they can clear them.

Sometimes, these calls can happen 10 times a day and can be extremely annoying and time consuming, never mind malicious for those who fall for the scam. They try to retrieve your credit card details and then charge to remove said viruses. With all this in mind, why not have a bit of fun? Here are a few responses to guarantee that the call ends quickly.

1. Ask them to repeat themselves. Ask them to repeat themselves. Ask them to repeat themselves. Then apologise and ask them to repeat themselves.

2. If time is on your side, let them talk you through switching on the laptop and when they ask what it says on your screen ask them to what screen are they referring. When they say the screen on your laptop, apologise and say you thought they said lunchbox and sing ‘The Hills Are Alive’ in a high pitch.

3. Hand the phone to a pet or a toddler.

4. Cry and say you are glad they called; they are so kind for asking; and that things haven’t been going so well. Tell them you haven’t seen or spoken to anyone since March.

5. Say you are good and ask them to do something for you – to ever f*&% off!

6. Ask them where they are from. It will be a local town. Ask what street. It will be a local street. Ask them what their surname is. It will be a local surname. Then say you know the family and ask if Margaret ever got the cataracts done.

7. Tell them you like their shirt, it really suits them. Much nicer than yesterday’s.

8. Ask them if they are ringing on the phone or is the voice coming from your own head.

9. Tell them you can’t talk now as you’re at home. But if they give you their home number, you’ll call them back after dinner.

10. Tell them they’ve got the wrong number – they’ve actually got through to a police station!

Compiled by Lorraine Murphy